Kinsey Confidential Guidelines for GLBT Alliance
This articles aims to provide guidelines for effective ways to assert GLBT alliance respectfully and effectively.
- Discrimination is a defensive act of insecurity. If you don't feel okay about yourself, then it's not safe for you to feel okay about people who are different from you. Differences are threatening because humans in crisis tend toward hierarchies: if you're circle and someone else is square, which is better? An insecure person has to believe that one is better than the other, and they can only believe their circle is better than someone else's square.
If you felt shaky about your right to your sexuality, you'd feel threatened if someone came bouncing into the room, celebrating his sexuality. Youd think, Well, what right does he have to his sexuality, if I can't say for sure that I have a right to mine?
Discrimination is a defensive act of ignorance. A lot of times, discrimination is not a product of conscious thought, but of social constructs embedded in the person's thought processes without his or her choice. If you grew up in a homophobic household, you might be homophobic too.
Many discriminatory people quickly become accepting when a friend or family member comes out. These folks simply never thought about homosexuality in terms of the people they know and love. Their ignorance is diminished, and along with it, their fear.
Others have discrimination so deeply rooted in their minds that it takes precedence over their love for their friends and family. These folks have discrimination pretty well entrenched in their approach to life, and it would take a lot of hard work for them to change.
WHAT IS ALLIANCE?
- Alliance is a proactive act of self-love. When you assert your alliance, you prove that it doesn't matter what differences lie between you and anyone else, you respect all human creatures as equals. Such universal approval only happens when feel no need to protect yourself from others. When you're not afraid of other people, you can appreciate and respect them.
Alliance is a proactive act of trust. Not only does alliance indicate trust in the people to whom youre allied, it shows trust in discriminating people. In a sense, alliance is NOT alliance to a specific group of people, but to all people. You're allied with all people, and only against discriminating behavior.
How do you feel about your sexuality? If you feel okay about yourself, then its safe for you to feel okay about people who are different from you.
SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?
- You want to do something. Maybe you want to eliminate all the hate around you, maybe you want to take all the discriminatory people and lock them in a pen someplace. Neither of those things is likely to happen, but there is a lot you can do, and it all relies on you asserting yourself as a loving person.
Your goal in intervening is neither to attack anyone nor to defend yourself. To attack is hypocritical and unhelpful. And to defend is unnecessary: universal respect for all humans regardless of sexual orientation (or anything else) is a position that needs no defense. It stands on its own merits.
Your goal in intervening is to express what happens to you when you witness discrimination. Here how:
The first thing you need to be able to do is know when discrimination or homophobia is happening. The second thing you need to do is to say out loud what you observe in the situation and in yourself.
Step 1: Being aware.
When I say be aware, I mean be aware of what goes on inside yourself when people say different kind of things. Be aware of the warm, snuggly glow you feel when people say I love you. Be aware of the shrinking, icky sensation you feel when people say I hate you. Where does your body tingle? What does it make you want to do?
A lot of people are really good at telling when something not okay is happening. Probably at some time in your life youve been in a situation where something inside you shrinks up and you think, "That's not right."
An ally is a naturally loving person, and so you can trust your instincts. If something presses a button in you or makes you want to stop a conversation and say, "Wait. What?" you can trust that your body and brain are sending appropriate and reasonable signals. Stop the conversation if it occurs to you to do so. Chances are there is something there to be talked about.
A word on timing: it is always appropriate to confront hate and fear. In class, at parties, in a home, anywhere. Following the guidelines established below, your intervention will never be rude or destructive, making it safe to do anywhere with anyone.
Step 2: Intervening.
No single behavior is appropriate for all circumstances. Rather than offering that kind of prescriptive advice, here are three basic principles to keep in mind. The overarching thing to remember is this:
Discrimination is a defensive act of fear. A discriminatory person already feels uncertain about him- or herself. It won't do the world any good for you to put that person down further. Alliance is an assertive act of love, and acts of love need no defense they stand on their own merit.
The following three principles, lifted from person-centered psychotherapy, will help you express disapproval of the discriminatory behavior without condemning the discriminatory person.
1. Unconditional positive regard - This is psychology-speak for respecting a person because she is a human being, no matter what her political, religious, sexual, gender, or racial ideas or identity. Your starting place is always a place of respect for yourself and the people around you.
Its difficult to do sometimes, and its especially difficult when confronted with a racist, bigot, homophobe, or other person who appears full of hate. Its important to remain respectful of this person because, remember, you're an Ally, and alliance is an act of love for everyone.
Heres a couple of tips on internal processes that can help you like a discriminatory person:
- Put yourself in his shoes. How does it feel to be so full of hate and self-righteousness? It does not feel good, the person is not acting from a place of love or happiness (for themselves or for the people they're discriminating against), they are acting from a place of fear. We've all been afraid, we know what that feels like. Empathize.
Make no assumptions. Assumptions are a step short of stereotypes. This person may have his beliefs for any number of reasons, and, as they say, you don't know until you know. Better ask than assume.
Understand, but do not judge. You wouldn't want someone to judge you for having the beliefs you have, so…
2. I statements - When you say, "You're discriminating," or "You're wrong," or "You don't know what youre talking about," you're drawing conclusions about the person that may be unfounded.
And when you ask questions like, "What do you mean by that?" or "Do you really feel that way?" its all too easy to seem accusatory, even when you dont feel accusatory.
Instead, use I.
For example, say, When you say, "I feel anxious when you say that because some of my best friends are gay and I love them." Or, "I have always thought of you as a kind person and I don't know how to assimilate your remark with that belief."
Or say, "I really don't know what to do about the fact that I just heard that. Part of me just wants to let it go, and part of me wants to ask what you meant."
I statements are inherently true. There is no argument against a statement about yourself, while a statement about another person could be refuted.
(She could say, "How do you know anything about ME?" And she would be right.)
3. Genuineness - A confrontation like this is not about changing anyones mind, its about expressing you love for others. I guarantee that a logical, rational argument with facts and figures will not convince anyone not to be discriminatory.
Instead, talk about what happens inside you when you witness discrimination. Remember, alliance is an assertive act of love.
WHAT IF IT DOESNT WORK?
Your goal in asserting your alliance is not to defend your viewpoint - it needs no defense, it stands on its own merit - but to express your respect for others. So whether or not you enlighten anyone, if you express your love for human beings no matter what their sexual orientation, you have succeeded.
The chances of changing a person's mind in a single sitting are pretty slim. Instead, you can think of your allied behavior as planting seeds that will grow over time.
Not only might you not change anyone's perspective, you might actually be attacked yourself. If someone attacks you, stick with the three concepts outlined here: respect the person, use "I" statements, and be genuine.
Say, "It hurts me when I am misperceived that way." Or say, "I hear that you disapprove, and at the same time I feel good about my support of my gay and lesbian friends." Or say, "I'm glad you feel safe enough talking to me to be honest about how you feel." Whatever is most true about how you feel right then.
It might be that being this honest makes you vulnerable. Peaceful, loving alliance takes a great deal of personal conviction and self-confidence. You have to be okay with yourself no matter what other folks think. You have to be deeply courageous. Alliance is hard work.
TO SUM UP
There is no objective truth to discrimination. You may want to say it's wrong and bad and pointless and cruel and stupid, but people don't discriminate for no reason. You disagree with them, and disagreement is okay.
And its not your job to undo those reasons - leave that to the psychologists, social workers, or parole officers. Instead, just be honest about who you are and how you feel, everywhere you go.
When you're honest about your feelings your support of the GLBT community and your discomfort with discrimination you affect people emotionally rather than intellectually. People have to change their hearts before they change their minds. Be an open heart and maybe, just maybe, you'll open other people's.
