Kinsey Confidential: The Kinsey Institute Sexuality Information Service

 

I had known that I was gay for a very long time. I was dating, having sex, and living a gay lifestyle. That is, outside of my mother's house. When I was in her house virtually no mention was every made about dating or relationships. Occasionally, I would tell my mother about the guy that I was going out with, but I would change all of the pronouns to make it sound like I was going out with a girl.

One night my date wanted to pick me up from my mom's house. I told my mom, in case she saw him from the window, that we were going on a double date and that we were going to pick up the girls after he picked up me. Mom seemed none the wiser.

On the way home after the date, his car blew out a tire about 1/4 of a mile from my mom's house. We decided to walk there so that he could use the phone. The places he called said that they couldn't get to his car until morning. It was 2 am, and my mom offered to drive him home. We all piled into my mom's station wagon and got him home safely.

After we returned to my mom's house, my mom said that she had a question to ask me. Not knowing what she would ask I told her to go ahead. Her exact question to me was, "While I was driving your friend home, I happened to look in the rear view mirror. All I want to know is, why were you holding his hand?" I was shocked. I had been found out.

I explained to my mom that we had not gone on a double date, but rather that we were dating each other. My mom seemed shocked at first, but was very supportive. She has come to understand the way that I live my life and supports me in all the decisions that I make.

My dad on the other hand is another story. My parents divorced back in 1980 when I was 7 years old. My dad had received custody and I lived with him and my stepmom in Virginia until I was 18. We had a falling out, and I moved to New York to live with my mom.

After coming out to my mom, I dated more freely because she knew about the way I was living my life. I met a man in 1995, with whom I am still, who has changed my life. I was, and still am, totally in love with him. In 1996, I decided that I needed to tell my dad because I knew that Phil was going to be a part of my life forever.

I was not sure how to tell dad. I took the coward's way out and sent him a letter. I then waited for a response. My stepmom called and we talked, and she said that she felt that it was only a phase I was going through. She also told me that it was hitting my dad pretty hard and he wasn't ready to talk to me.

It wasn't until 1997 that he could talk to me, and not about my sexuality. It is only recently that my dad has tried to talk to me. It was hard on me to not talk to my dad for so long, but I think it just takes different people longer to deal with and accept.

-James A.