Q&A: Avoiding Monotonous Sex in Lesbian Relationships
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QUESTION: My girlfriend and I have been in a lesbian relationship for nine months. She had dated several girls before me and had sex with a few of them. She was my first. There was a lot of sex in the beginning of our relationship, but as it progressed the sex has dwindled to being once every two or three weeks. I asked her why, since every time I try to steer us towards sex she demurs or says that I keep trying to make “sex dates” and that that is unromantic. She said that our lovemaking was getting monotonous (she always asks for the strap-on). I disagree and I think that sexual intimacy is a very important part of a relationship. I don’t know how to convince her that lovemaking can never get monotonous. Do you have any advice?
ANSWER: Although sometimes people suggest that lesbians stereotypically deal with fading sex lives – some experts have even used the term “lesbian bed death” – in fact, both same-sex and other-sex couples find that partner sex often becomes less frequent over time. In many ways, this makes sense – at the beginning of a relationship, everything often feels new and exciting and our body chemistry shows it, as does our frequency of physical intimacy, whether through kissing, hand holding or other sexual contact.
With time, things tend to settle and couples tend to have sex less often. Sometimes people feel like they are in sex ruts or, as your girlfriend says, that sex gets monotonous. Although some professionals advise that couples make “sex dates” so that they can make time to plan for sex, that is often only useful or effective when both partners buy into that idea. If you want to make “sex dates” but your girlfriend finds that too planned-out or unromantic, and she wants sex to be more spontaneous, then that strategy may not work for you as a couple.
Similarly, even though you feel like lovemaking can never get monotonous, she feels differently than you do. It can be helpful to get together and talk, to learn how each other feels, to respect your differences, to be gentle with and accepting of each other, to agree to disagree in some instances, and to brainstorm how you might be able to take steps to develop and maintain intimacy in your relationship.
Try to remember that this is a shared problem – it’s not just hers or yours – and in order to make your relationship work in ways that feel meaningful to you both, you will need to come together around this point. You may find that sex therapy is helpful – you can find a trained therapist through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. And even though the text of For Each Other by Dr. Lonnie Barbach may seem generally heterosexual-focused, the information and lessons are intended for same-sex couples, too, and you may find it helpful.
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Dr. Debby Herbenick
