Q&A: How to Delay Ejaculation
QUESTION: I have been dating my present girlfriend for over 5 months now and I still have trouble lasting during sex. I have not had this problem so severe in the past, with 2 other girlfriends. I was wondering if you know anything I could do to help improve my stamina. I would appreciate any suggestions you may have to offer.
ANSWER: Lack of control, or premature ejaculation, is a very common problem. Fortunately, it's also very treatable. The objective is to learn how to reach a state of arousal (being erect, touched, having intercourse) but delaying the "inevitable." In fact, sex therapists call the point of no return, that moment when your reflexes take over and you know you're going to ejaculate, the "point of inevitability." So how can you have sexual activity yet hold off that rush toward completion? We suggest what's known as the stop-start method. This is basically practicing control by recognizing when you are aroused, but not yet at "the point," and backing off, then resuming sexual activity.
I don't know how comfortable you are talking about this with your girlfriend, but it would sure be helpful if you can involve her in this 'training.' I suggest that you first try masturbating on your own, backing off when you are moderately aroused but not at 'the point,' then resuming. Try to make your masturbation session last for 10 or 15 minutes. You may also find that masturbating on your own will, in general, prolong your time with your partner.
After you have tried the stop-start on your own, try it several times with your girlfriend. The amount of time that you pause when you stop is up to you - you don't want to lose your erection, but you do want to lessen some of the arousal or tension before beginning again. Experiment.
Finally, I'm not sure why this is happening with this girlfriend and not the others. Make sure that you two are communicating with each other. Does she see this as a problem, too, or do you just assume she does? Sometimes just discussing your concerns with your partner can have a positive effect on your sex life together.
Thanks for your question.
Originally posted April, 1999.
Kinsey Confidential
